Selfish – oh what a destructive word – is how I used to often feel. I am a stay-at-home mother of two young girls, married to a husband with a demanding career, with no family nearby to help. I keep the household managed, meaning that I juggle not only my life, but also the schedules of my family as well. I know every single thing we need to do in a day, school events, play dates, doctor appointments, swim lessons, stocking the fridge, paying bills, watering the plants, feeding the pets, calling a plumber (little girls try to flush way too much toilet paper down the toilet)…the list endlessly goes on.

I often find myself forgetting things, getting frustrated since I used to remember everything. But my mind is now so full to the brim with four individual schedules that I no longer have room to store much more information. I get so consumed by attending the needs of others, I can leave the house without ever having glanced in the mirror to see whether I’m wearing mismatched shoes or wiping the food off my face from little-girl, sticky-breakfast kisses. Slowly, depression, and anxiety begin to creep into my body. I can feel them weighing down my limbs, making it difficult to even get out of bed. My chest feels heavy, and it’s often difficult to take a full breath. That’s when I know it’s time: time to check on that woman in the mirror, time for the self. 

Anytime I wanted to do something away from my family, I had an overwhelming surge of selfish feelings. Multiple times I cried tears on my therapist’s couch, “Shouldn’t I feel bad whenever I go to do things for myself? Isn’t that normal?” I had been conditioned to believe that doing anything for me was wrong; it was my responsibility to put everyone else first, even to the detriment of my emotional health. I had been conditioned to believe that doing anything for me was selfish. However, studies show that when we practice self-care, an increase of self-compassion and personal accomplishments, and a decrease in distress. 

I realized this attitude didn’t fit with the messages of self-love and kindness I nurtured in my daughters. I couldn’t just go through the motions. If I truly believed that this time alone was restorative, then it wasn’t “selfish,” it was self-care. I was no longer “selfish” but practicing self-love. I accepted that I was important and showed others (especially my children) that I am important and worthy of love. Psychologists even suggest, “Self-care is not only a personal matter but also an ethical necessity, a moral imperative…challenge the morality of self-sacrifice at all costs and embrace the indispensability of self-care.”

This shift in thinking takes time though. Much like the practice of yoga, you have to show up and practice, even on the bad days. Practice makes perfect. It’s not easy breaking a destructive cycle of guilt, possibly passed down generation by generation. It takes not only awareness but also time to heal and grow. When you find yourself thinking that you are being selfish or feeling guilty, remind yourself out loud that you are practicing self-love. Those two little girls running up in the morning to give you the biggest hugs and happily screaming “I love you” over and over will see the love extends not only to them, but also to yourself. Through your actions, they will learn how they, too, can love themselves. 

You matter. You are important. You are love. Shine your light and love.

Try these three ways to shift your perspective from self-ish to self-love:

1. Start saying yes to YOU. Schedule an activity just for you in your calendar at least once a week. Yes, that might mean you have to hire a babysitter, but it’s so important not to lose your identity while taking care of others. You are a priority. 
2. Repeat this mantra daily (maybe at the beginning of a seated meditation or before you go to bed): “I am important. I practice self-love to become a more loving and compassionate human being. I love me.”
3. If we want to practice self-love, we need to become love. So, love more. Hug more. Tell others what you appreciate about them. Look someone in the eyes and truly listen. Say “I love you” to those in your life. Be the change that you wish to see.