As a family coach, I’ve gone into countless homes and witnessed many different versions of family life. Blended families stand out as some of the most interesting family systems to work with because of the layers of family life merging together when two households become one. Through my field experience, I’ve discovered four practical tools that create the strongest bonds in blended family life:
Tool #1: Respect For Space
Children of divorce are often left with the lingering question in family life: is there still enough space for me? Divorce knocks families out of their equilibrium, and when you couple that with a parent remarrying or repartnering and merging with a new family, it can feel like chaos. In blended homes, there are ways to invite more balance and room for everyone, especially kids. Creating a physical space in the home invites a sense of belonging. Ways blended parents can set this up include:
- Decorating a new bedroom with a theme that delights each child.
- Having staples of clothing, shoes, and personal items (i.e. toys, blankets, etc.) in each home, so your child feels settled in each space.
- Designating an area in the home for “sacred space.” For instance, the dinner table where there’s no talk of trouble or discipline; instead, meal time is set aside for ritual, connection, and gratitude.
- Setting up a common area. For instance, a game room, for blended siblings and parents to relax and play.
Tool #2: Viewing “Step” Family Members As Assets
Like all relationships, the “step” family relationship is there to raise your consciousness. Yes, you will be triggered, and, yes, that is the way toward growth. When we can frame our discomfort in new relationships as opportunities to grow, our mindset changes. Step parents become, “bonus parents,” adding more skillfulness, insight, and love to a child’s life. Here are some helpful ways you can step into the bonus parenting role:
- Ask your bonus children questions, and listen without interruption.
- Do an activity with them that is their idea.
- Allow their biological parent to be the main disciplinarian, particularly when you are new to building a relationship with your blended children.
- When you walk past your bonus child in the hall, smile and tell them how good it feels just to see them.
- Be vulnerable, and share who you are with them.
- Practice patience. Remind yourself that any long-lasting, healthy relationship takes years to grow.
Tool #3: Healthy Communication Between Coparents
Before any family blends into a singular home, it’s imperative that the new, blended parents talk through their expectations for family life. Here are a few helpful conversation starters:
- What is it that each person values?
- What are your points of agreement?
- What would you like your new partner to understand about your child?
- How can you support each other in difficult moments?
Clear communication gives you an anchor to rely on when family life feels shaky. When it inevitably does shake up, remember to keep arguments with your partner behind closed doors and to manage your emotions.
Tool #4: Managing Expectations
Part of managing your emotions involves managing your expectations. As a bonus parent, you have the gift of perspective. You can see things more clearly because you don’t share the same history. Managing your expectations will help keep you out of judgment when things go wrong and, instead, allow you to cultivate compassion. You can manage your expectations by:
- Using the mantra “change takes time.”
- Meeting regularly with your therapist or parent coach.
- Meditating for five minutes a day.
- Remembering The Three C’s: You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it.
Blended family life is rich with challenges and rewards. Bringing intention and action to your home will allow your love to endure.
