Twelve years ago, I was a different person. (Were you? I hope so.) In 2007, I was finishing up my master’s degree on the isotopic biogeochemistry of oceanic particulate organic carbon (what the… ?!). I was in class, teaching, or in the lab working on my research basically every single day, Saturday through Sunday, early mornings until after the sun went down. I was stressed out, overworked, underpaid, and generally unhappy. But, it was all my doing, my choice. My advisor didn’t request I work such a demanding schedule, and the university didn’t force us to clock in. I placed the pressure and expectations of graduate school upon myself, and everyone around me was doing the same thing, feeding into the system that made us believe we either work this way or we are lazy. Even today, time expectations appear to only be getting worse for most careers. At the end of the day, most of us escaped our anxiety and unhappiness via drugs or alcohol and repeated the process ad nauseam. 

My peace and happiness were now equally important to the sense of accomplishment and pride I found in my work.

That year, I decided that before beginning my doctoral studies, I was done. I was done working that hard and giving up all my free time for work. My peace and happiness were now equally important to the sense of accomplishment and pride I found in my work. That meant working 40 hours a week and no more (most of the time), scheduling fun activities with friends and family, making time for yoga and hikes in nature, and listening to my inner voice when it was struggling to be heard. I met my future husband just after finishing my master’s. He met me during the transition from workaholic to balance(aholic). We were drawn to each other because we both had similar values; we worked incredibly hard, were intelligent, vegetarians…and he was pretty dang cute!

When we decided to start our family, I could have continued in my field of oceanography, but all the jobs I was interested in were far away or required many more than 40 hours a week (nowadays, this seems like the norm; we need a huge social shift in work-life balance and priorities, but that’s a topic for another article). A conundrum: take a job that required me to be gone from the family for more than 12 hours a day, knowing my husband was working an even more demanding schedule, or stay at home and raise our girls while he continues to advance in his career. I was fortunate to begin with having a choice, and I chose to be a stay at home mom. Even knowing the career sacrifices I have made, I would choose that path again. If you’re a parent, you know that choice requires a series of sacrifices: your time, money, interests, and sleep. The saying “You can have it all” is bullshit. Yes, you can have it all, but not all at the same time. 

Before children, my husband went from working 7am to 9pm. After our first was born, he went from working 7am to 8pm, then 7am to 7pm after our second. I often joke that if we had one more child, maybe he would finally have an almost-normal schedule and be home by 6pm. During that time frame, his career went from a biomedical engineer, to the CEO of a medical device startup company in Silicon Valley. And while years ago, I made the decision to avoid long periods of intense time and energy devoted to work, he continued working himself to the bone. He’s got the autoimmune disorders to prove it. However, like me, he would still make the same choices today. 

The question is: how do you manage the peace in a household when you and your partner have drastic career imbalances. You are managing (sometimes unruly) children with constant needs, while your partner is managing (sometimes unruly) adults with constant projects. How do you hold space? The answer starts within you. If you can find peace and ease within yourself, by setting aside time to do those things that give you those feelings every day (or at minimum twice a week), then you will be the solid foundation needed for your family to prosper. Leading by example, not only for your kids, but for your partner as well. So I ask you, right here, right now: what activities do you do that leave you feeling calmer, happier, content, or re-energized? Do more of that!