I remember my first yoga at the class where I heard a reference to the term ego. “Check your ego at the door,” the instructor said during Warrior II pose. My friend and I looked over at each other, and I knew we were thinking the same thing – our faces said, “Eww, jerk, check YOUR ego at the door. I don’t have an ego…”
Yup, that’s the ego. It’s been the greatest teacher and the biggest pain in the butt. It shows up at my morning HIIT – a Crossfit-based HIIT with lots of goals to work toward – workout almost every day. I envy the box jumps and pull-ups that others seem to do so easily. One day, I tell myself, as I see if I can speed up my progress. Our coach is focused on form, the right way, and I appreciate it. But, when I’m told to lower the weight to focus on proper form, that ego kicks in. Really? I have to go down… And then, the pleading begins. I can do that weight. I wasn’t giving it my all. Just one more chance, I know I can do it. Pleeease, just one more chance…
You know who also pleads like that? Five year olds. “This time I’ll do it. Please? Just one more time…” It’s progress that I can now watch this internal dialogue without acting on it. When it shows up, watching it is still hard. Sometimes I cringe, sometimes I can laugh. I’ve realized more and more how childlike it is. No fair! How come I had to do this and she didn’t? My ego gets bruised…easily. Within the same day, I might hear, “Good job! Good form. You’ll be ready to move on in a few weeks.” Oh, the ego’s ears perk up. That’s it! That’s what I was waiting for. I’m rockin’ this workout! My ego seeks praise….constantly.
I’m there very early. I relish the morning time. It’s quieter, calmer with less noise and chaos. But the ego distracts me from all of that. The ego is not quiet or calm. Look at me, already done. Everyone else is still sleeping! I’m so awesome! My ego is competitive. It seeks attention…daily. There are a few times when the ego is not there. I’m in the moment. My progress (or lack of) is simply a measure of what I did that day, perhaps a baseline of where I start, a progressive step, or my body telling me what it needs. More stretching. More resting. The ego is not there to judge who I am or who I am not. It’s not there to judge me. This day, this workout – none of it defines me. It’s a part of me, but without the judgement hovering over me, there’s freedom. There are moments where I relish that freedom.
It still sounds a little woo-woo, doesn’t it? I used to think, Man, yogis read into everything! It’s just a workout. True, it is just a workout. But, that ego is just like your shadow; it’ll follow you there, whether you like it or not. Best to be aware of it. That doesn’t mean it has to be so serious. My favorite reminder to laugh at the ego is lessons from Dr. Suess and Ekhart Tolle, written and told by Scott Grace (a.k.a. “the spiritual Dr. Suess”):
