Recently at work, I noticed that one of my colleagues would often relay negative things to me that she would hear from my former students. The comments were not outrightly critical, but were stained with negativity. It happened several times until I felt the need to say something. But first, I needed to consider how I could speak honestly, while also being mindful of her feelings and my tone. I knew that, at times, I came across as too matter-of-fact or bold, or even the inverse – mumbling incomprehensibly while my garbled voice would trail off. So, I went over in my mind what I wanted to communicate, and how to tactfully convey it in a way that could be heard and absorbed. I then waited until the next time I would see her. I knew I might be overthinking things, but it was important that I get it right.
When I saw her next, it was before a meeting and I asked if we could talk. She agreed. I started out by saying that I did not want to put her on the defensive, that I didn’t think that she was doing it intentionally, but that the negative comments were unproductive and upsetting. Her reaction was the opposite of what I had hoped: it was defensive, retaliatory, and unreceptive. (I honestly don’t know if she even heard a word I said.)
After our conversation, I sunk into a dark place and replayed what had happened in my mind. My timing could have been improved; we were going into a meeting and had little time to talk. But, I had spoken my truth and attempted to do it clearly and honestly, without finger-pointing. The subsequent result was not successful, but my colleague’s reaction was out of my control. Then I thought, how much do we see what is actually happening, and how much do we view things through our own lens of trauma or past experiences? How much do we really see new events for what they are, and how much is our past simply replaying itself?
Even though the end result was not what I had hoped or expected, I came out with the understanding that I had to own my actions and reactions (whatever they were) and let go of expectations (whatever the results may be). I had spoken my truth and, even though she had reacted negatively, I guess that was the risk I had to take. To speak my truth takes practice, courage, patience, and the willingness to give up control. But, I could own my behavior and truth, and that was both freeing and empowering.
Steps to Speaking Your Truth
- Present what you want to say in a non-charged, honest, and non-confrontational way.
- Consider timing and tone.
- Be willing to listen and be open to feedback.
- Respond rather than react.
- Stay focused on the issue at hand.
- Own your responses and let go of expectations.
A great resource to speaking your truth, as well as being vulnerable, self-aware, and courageous in professional (or any) settings is Brene Brown’s Dare to Lead hub.
