My relationship with my mom has dramatically changed over the years due to her experience living with dementia. For better or worse, it has accelerated how I look at relationships with my family and those around me, and how important it is to assess and express the value of said relationships. I’ve acquired a handful of really helpful back-pocket tools that I’ve been able to use with my mom and every other relationship I’m in – whether it’s a relationship with a friend, a relative, a dear pet, or Mother Nature. The reality is, we are in a relationship with everything and everyone around us. If we pay close enough attention, those relationships help us navigate who we are for ourselves, who we are for others, and how we choose to show up in the world.

Your people matter, and you get to choose who those people are. 

I had a dance teacher in high school who told us that there are front-row people and back-row people in the production that is our lives. We choose who gets to sit up front, cheer us on, and encourage us. If those people don’t have the bandwidth to be there for us when we need them most, then they get put in the back row. It’s that simple. This metaphor helps us see that we must hold both parties accountable to hold the relationship in integrity and care. If the relationship matters to both parties, then you’ll both put in the work to sustain it. When my mom was diagnosed with dementia, those front-row people became all the more apparent. There were some folks who we would have considered front-row people, who, in fact, ended up ghosting our family. On the flip side of that coin, some mezzanine and back row folks came out of the woodwork to show up for my mom and our family in the most selfless and beautiful ways. They quickly became “front-rowers,” and we made sure to show our love and appreciation for the ways they supported not only my mom, but our entire family. 

Love takes courage. 

Just as relationships require that both parties put in the work, there are times when the love and attention you give to another has to be just a little bit more than you receive. Yes, it might be easier to turn away, shield from potential pain, and give up on the relationship. With my mom’s dementia, her apathy and affect became all-consuming, and it was hard to see and feel the love she had for us. That has gotten worse and worse over the years, and our roles as daughter, mother, husband, partner, and friend have shifted and morphed quite a bit. Our ability to love what is, despite the changes in her behavior and outward affection, takes so much courage. To love above all else, and to know that love will not be reciprocated in the same way is heartbreaking. It takes courage to show up for Love with a capital L, again, and again, and again.  

There is no one way to do your best. 

We could spend a whole lot of time wondering if what we did was enough. In my mom’s example, we wondered if that daycare we signed her up for took the best care of her… if that other pair of shoes wouldn’t have caused her to fall… if that one medicine actually staved off dementia symptoms like it claimed it would… if I have visited her enough… played her enough music… held her hand long enough… hugged her enough? Have I done enough? As a comparative society and culture, we’re constantly looking at the things we didn’t do, didn’t feel, didn’t try. Whoever said comparison is the thief of joy was totally right. If our focus is on the scarcity of our offerings of love, we can love and appreciate the abundance of what’s right in front of us. With Love in the front row, it’s likely that you’ve done enough. This ideal is what continues to suppress my doubt and bolster my confidence that the life I’m living, and my relationships with the people that mean the most, are playing out exactly the way they need to be.

Say yes.

If there is anything I’ve been blessed with in my life, it is supportive “front-rowers” who have empowered me to say, “Yes.” Yes to trying. Yes to giving. Yes to remembering and reminiscing. Yes to that big scary thing. Yes to tough conversations. Yes to Love. Saying yes is a hard thing to do when you have a person you love living out a new reality, and living in a completely different one from your own; one that didn’t fit within your original plans for life. Many times, we’re not even offered a choice to feel guilty. I was. My mom was taken care of by my incredible dad. I didn’t have to stay closeby; it wasn’t a necessity. And having a selfless dad in the front row, he has encouraged my sister and I to say “yes” to the things that have tugged at our hearts. He’s shown me by offering me the gift of time and exploration, that if we say “no,” we’ll never KNOW. So, if you have the chance, say “yes.” It leads to new relationships, stronger relationships, and completely unsuspecting and teachable relationships. And exploring and fortifying these relationships is how we grow.